Struggles

   Over the last few months, almost year to be honest, things in my life have been anything but calming or normal. I have been trying to go on like nothing is wrong, like everything is fine and will work itself out, but its getting harder and harder to put that fake smile on and make it through the days. 
   More often than not, I find myself wondering how I came to be in this position. Constantly struggling just to get through the mundane day to day tasks, and almost impossible to do anything above that. I have lost interest in some of the things I help most valuable in my life, from hobbies all the way to the people in my life. I wish I could say that this was something that I was making up in my head, that I will get over it but the more I think about it, the more I realize that I am going to have to do something otherwise this could end very badly. 
   I know in one of my other posts, I spoke about not letting PCOS get control of my life, which I have attempted to do. But I am afraid that PCOS is only the beginning. I have been suffering depression in silence for many years now, afraid of the criticism and the negative remarks of people around me. There are so many plans that I had laid out for my life, and all of them so far remain unfulfilled. I have not achieved one single, solitary goal in my 25 years of life that I planned on having achieved by now. No college degree, no real idea of what I want out of life, no kids, no family really, no house, car, savings, etc. All these goals I had wanted to obtain prior to turning 25 are still so far out of reach, they seem impossible to reach. 
   It has been almost 2 years since I have last had a menstrual cycle, and even longer than that since I have ovulated. I am constantly in a state of PMS from the cramps, the bloating, the irritability, headaches, etc. I don't remember what it feels like to NOT feel bloated and to have pants that fit me correctly! Along with the aforementioned aspects of PMS that I deal with, I also have the lovely Metformin side effects that have yet to dissipate even though I have been on it for over 2.5 years now. Every day I get to have morning sickness, all day nausea, heartburn/indigestion, added cramping, breast tenderness, and all that lovely stuff! Its like I am constantly experiencing the side-effects of pregnancy without the joy of actual pregnancy. So needless to say, it gets a bit irritating when you run to the bathroom 3-4 times a morning to puke your guts up and you constantly hear the Oh my gosh I think she's pregnant murmurs flying around everywhere when they have no idea how much I would love to be pregnant and how much it really does hurt having to hear that so often.   
I have scheduled numerous appointments with doctors in the coming months, including my Primary Care Provider, my Gynecologist,  a Reproductive Endocrinologist, an Endocrinologist (different from an RE), and also a mental health evaluation session to determine what steps I need to take in order to get out of this slump I have been in for so long. 
   Health wise, I am not in the best shape. I had lost almost 100 pounds a little over a year ago and was in the best shape I had been in in YEARS. Then I stopped doing everything, from working out to eating healthier. I am overweight, have a ton of health issues, my hormones are all screwed up, and that's just the beginning. But I know in order to get myself wholly better, I need to turn the focus back to myself. I need to start eating better, working out more, and stop beating myself up every time I fail and no more of this "I can't do it" "I'll do it later" etc kinda crap. Because I know if I don't start it now, it will never start!
   My goal is to be 75 pounds lighter come this time next year, and a lot healthier! My plans do not include any surgeries, no "quick fix" methods, just hard work, good clean food, and a lot of sweating! I will continue to consult with my doctors on my progress in all areas of my health, and I know that with them there to guide and assist me, whether its just with words, suggested activities, or even medications, I will get to where I know I am at my best. I just have to make it through this stuff long enough to get to that point! 

Its going to be a good week, good year, and good life!

So the year of 2013 was full of many ups and downs and a lot of difficult experiences. A year ago, I would have wished that it all could go away, that I didn't have to deal with any of it. However, today, I can honestly say I would not change a single thing! I am who I am today because of the things I have been through in my past. Each event, no matter how good or bad it was, has helped to mold me into the individual I now am. Do I regret things I have done, who doesn't? But I don't dwell on them. I use each as a learning experience and grow from them.

I am married to a man that I never thought I would marry. We met at Bible college in Fresno, and while circumstances weren't the greatest, we became really good friends and eventually dated. He is my best friend now and makes me life complete. Now, I'm not going to sit here and say that it has been a cake walk surrounded by rose gardens and fairies, because in all honesty, it has been nothing but the opposite of that! We have gone through some rough times; from the typical couple issues, to some deeper, more serious issues. Through it all, one thing has remained intact, and that was and still is our love for one another. We recognize that each individual in life has flaws, little imperfections, and struggles that combine to make them the person that they are. While everyone has these flaws, love helps you to over look these flaws and see them as a part of the person. Instead of dwelling on the negative aspects of the person, you begin to see the positives, like the way his eyes light up when he truly smiles, or the way he holds you like he doesn't want to let go. When you can see the imperfections as nothing more than a part to the whole, that is when you can truly see the person for as they are.

I am currently on a journey to find a better me. Not just health wise, but spiritually, emotionally, mentally, career wise, and family wise. I am looking forward to this year as I am expecting a lot of changes to occur. Have a great day!